Double Tap

A Day in the Life of an Instagram User

I often find myself being an annoying teenage girl on Instagram, and I don’t even take selfies (not because I think people who do are shallow, but because I am an awkward individual in general). Nowadays, more and more people are joining Instagram, and it seems to be the biggest battle to get more ‘likes’ than everyone else. My guy friend was telling me that I may have gotten more likes than he did on a photo we both posted, but his ‘followers-to-likes ratio’ was a lot better than mine. I didn’t even know what he was talking about.

Apparently, you have to follow these ‘cool’ rules to be popular on Instagram. I don’t believe in following these myself anymore, but I know that these may help you fill the need in your life that can only be helped with a little red heart:

1. Follow people. It sounds obvious and maybe a tad unsafe, but if you follow anybody you may have met one time in high school where they were at their lockers and you walked by them and made eye contact and then walked away and never saw them again in your life, they are eligible for a follow. I would say based on the calculations in my head and no actual statistics what-so-ever, there is a 90% chance they will follow you back. Now you have them at your endless disposal. Every time they post something that you like or find mildly amusing, give them a like. That way, when your photo comes through their feed and it’s beyond exceptional (as always), they may feel inclined to double-tap it. However, you never want to follow more people that follow you. Unfollow people who post terrible photos and always like your photos , or people who just never like your photos. The ladder people suck. Continue this process for eternity, or until you become Kim Kardashian.

2. When taking a photo, always have it in mind to post the said photo on Instagram. Never settle for mediocrity. There is absolutely no time for that. Take Kiel James Patrick’s Instagram photo for instance:

@kjp is the God of nautical prep on the east coast, fyi. Follow accordingly (see rule #1).

@kjp is the God of nautical prep on the east coast, fyi. Follow accordingly (see rule #1).

This is what we like to call a ‘candid’ picture. Kiel’s fiancé Sarah Vickers, laughs at popping the champagne because let’s be honest, it’s hilarious. KJP did a lot of things correctly in this post: a) personal photo, b) outfits lookin’ hella fine, c) perfect setting. However, I would bet my left hand (I’m a righty and that is far too valuable for me) that this entire photo is staged. Sarah is laughing a little too hard about the shock from the champagne cork pop. Kiel and Sarah are both fashion designers, so they made sure to look good in front of the camera. Finally, nobody brings flowers on a picnic. There should be flowers everywhere. Everywhere I say!

Nevertheless, readers, this is exactly the steps you should follow in order to get your well-deserved likes. Be good looking. Wear nice clothes. Laugh at nothing. Bring flowers. Rinse and repeat.

3. For a picture of food—my all-time favorite Instagrams—look at what Food in the Air does to capture the glorious creations from God:

@foodintheair posts photos of food being the air.

@foodintheair posts photos of food being held…in the air.

Basically, post a beautiful image that speaks to the heart of the stomach. The gooier and messier, the better. Does it have cheese? We like it. Does it have chocolate? We like it. Does it have a pretty background that matches the euphoric meal? We like it. Does it answer to your soul? It probably does. Basically, post a photo of the type of food someone would like to have as their last meal. I bet Jesus sure wish he had this crêpe!

4. Captions: they can be tricky. They cannot be a monologue, unless you are @humansofny or @yogagirl. Ain’t nobody got time for dat. Make it short and sweet. Add simple emojis if you feel like it. The caption has to match the image in a way that is clever. Puns are often appreciated, but not enough if you ask me! Don’t add crazy filters, unless it makes the photo WAY cooler. You do you.

If steps 1-4 are done, you may now proceed to post. As an Instagram user myself, I will add one of my photos back in the day when I actually tried:

Queen of Tarts

I completely posed for this in Dublin this year. Everyone thought this was taken at the Queen of Tarts itself, but it was actually in my apartment. Notice how perfectly everything is placed, how everything seems to match, and how fantastic the tart looks? I did that by following the steps above. I AM a loser though. Please don’t follow me after reading this blog. I’m too embarrassing for my own good.

All in all, social media is supposed to be a representation of YOU. Don’t listen to anyone else including me. They’re all haters, anyways.

Over and out.

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